15 Minutes in Hell
by theimpossiblegrrl
Summary: What happens when each Head of House is required to give a brief talk on "Sex Ed" before the start of school? A series of sixteen drabbles. May never be completely complete. Rating raised to be on the safe side.
1. 15 Minutes in Hell

_A/N: Sort of in the world of "Shameless", but could be any world I write in, really. My first experiment in drabble, a series of four (obviously)._

* * *

 **15 Minutes in Hell**

 _Let's talk about all the good things  
And the bad things that may be  
Let's talk about sex_

 _Salt-N-Pepa_

* * *

 _5 September, 1995  
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry  
Not long after the Welcoming Feast …_

* * *

 ** _Gryffindor Tower_**

Professor Minerva McGonagall eyed every student present.

"I've brought you here to discuss … sex."

The Weasley twins cheered loudly. They quieted when the Professor's eyes flared.

"That's enough," she said. "I am required to do this once a year. Believe me, I don't enjoy it."

"We do," coughed a disguised voice.

"Whoever spoke will cost the House fifty points if it happens again."

The room went so silent that the sound of Neville's snores were magnified tenfold.

"No sex in the castle, on the grounds, in Hogsmeade, or over the hols. Are we clear?"

No one spoke a word.

* * *

 ** _Hufflepuff Basement_**

The older students of the Hufflepuff House were gathered around, hot chocolate and biscuits in hand, as though they were on the receiving end of the best bed time story ever.

"Is it really as amazing as the books say it is?" Susan Bones sighed.

"Even better," Professor Pomona Sprout said with a wink.

"But you think we should wait until we're older?" Zacharias asked, frowning.

"Well, I wouldn't say that," she said, pondering the statement. "But being in a good relationship with your partner can take the experience to a higher level. Of course, so can other things …"

* * *

 ** _Ravenclaw Tower_**

"So what are the best positions?"

"What if I get pregnant?"

"How do I keep a girl from getting pregnant?"

"Are you going to tell our parents?"

"How many House points are taken if we get caught?"

Professor Filius Flitwick looked around the crowded room and held up his hand, silencing the many questions. He passed numbers around the room until everyone had one.

"Who has Number One?"

Luna raised her hand, illiciting a groan from several Seventh Year boys.

"Hush, it'll be your turn soon enough. Miss Lovegood?" the diminutive Professor asked.

"Is it true that Nargles are involved?"

* * *

 ** _Slytherin Dungeon_**

Professor Severus Snape stormed into the dungeons and stared down each and every student.

"I don't care if you imbeciles screw like bunnies," he sneered. "If you need the Potion and are too stupid to ask Madam Pomphrey, come see me – or better yet, don't. I'll have vials in the Common Room. For those who need it –" he said, eyeing Pansy, "I have Systo-Cleanse. Get out of my sight."

Draco looked at his pocket watch as Snape stalked off and slammed the door. "Five seconds shorter than last year; you owe me a Galleon," he said, grinning at Crabbe.

* * *

 _Tee-hee. Honestly, inspired by that photo that goes around Tumblr with the Toast Knife and each House's reaction to it._


	2. Epilogue

_5 September, 1995  
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry  
Later that same night, well after curfew …_

* * *

 ** _Gryffindor Tower_**

Minerva woke in her bed again, her arm still reaching out for Elphinstone despite the fact that he had been gone almost a decade now. She reached for her wand and cast a bright "Lumos" as she grabbed the picture from her bedside table and watched the happy couple wave to her as they walked through the streets of Hogsmeade.

She sighed and put the picture back in its place.

 _Nothing lasts forever, does it, Minerva?_

"Nox," she quietly said, and the light went out.

She rolled into what was once his side of the bed, trying not to cry.

* * *

 ** _Hufflepuff Basement_**

"You really are too soft with them, you know," Rolanda said to Pomona as she joined her in bed.

"I can't help it, love. Sex is a wonderful, vital part of life. Nothing or no one should make them think anything different," Pomona replied. She kissed her partner's waiting lips before she gathered the covers around her. Giggling, she grabbed the little midnight snack from their bedside table.

"Raspberry jam?"

"Leftovers from our little discussion. Here, have one," she said, popping one into Rolanda's mouth.

Rolanda licked her lips and sighed. "I love you, dumpling."

"I love you too, dear."

* * *

 ** _Ravenclaw Tower_**

Filius kept reading long into the night, well past the time he knew that the children of his House were in bed.

So many questions this year, even more than usual. He enjoyed their inquisitive nature – it was the reason they were sorted to him anyways. However, with the questions always came more questions, and they built and built until he was afraid that they would finally figure out his little secret.

He groaned and took a delicious cupcake from the tin in his desk drawer.

They really didn't need to know that he was a sixty year old virgin.

* * *

 ** _Slytherin Dungeon_**

"Did you take your Potion?"

"Yes, Sir."

Severus examined Charity as she disrobed and willingly walked to the shackles. He chained her, taking his time to make sure that the cuffs were not too tight around her wrists. She moaned as he trailed a finger over her collarbone and down one arm.

"And what would you like to do tonight?" he asked, whispering in her ear and feeling her shiver.

"Whatever _you_ like, Sir," she said nervously as he placed the blindfold over her eyes.

He chuckled as he grabbed a crop from the wall. "Your wish is my command."


	3. 15 Minutes in Hell: Redux

_A/N: This is the product of a story NinaSays/Honeymink and I have been writing on A03 called "Unexpected Experiences". New Heads of House, new opinions on sexuality based in the previous Heads opinions (or lack thereof) … new life in Hogwarts._

 _If you have no intention of reading that story, I'll fill you in on pairings so this at least will make sense._

 _ **Neville Longbottom** (Gryffindor Head of House, teaches Herbology) and **Luna Lovegood** (teaches Magizoology) are married, as are_

 _ **Ernie Macmillan** (Hufflepuff Head of House, teaches Charms) and **Romilda Vane** (the new MediWitch), as are_

 _ **Cho Chang** (Ravenclaw Head of House, teaches Potions) and **Oliver Wood** (still playing for Puddlemere United), as are_

 _ **Pansy Parkinson** (Slytherin Head of House, teaches Transfiguration) and **Harry Potter** (rich and unemployable)._

 _This is also Nina's present (one of them) for sticking with a very hard task. I'm over the moon proud of you, sweetie._

* * *

 **15 Minutes in Hell: Redux**

 _S is for the simplety.  
E is for the ecstasy.  
X is just to mark the spot,  
Because that's the one you really want._

 _\- Nickelback_

* * *

 _September 5, 2015  
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry  
Not too terribly long after the Welcoming Feast_

* * *

 ** _Gryffindor Tower_**

"Quiet down, you little blighters! You hear me?!" Professor Longbottom cried. "I can start taking House Points now!"

It got their attention, for a minute at least. This crowd was even rowdier than last year's group.

"Look, we've gone over the basics. I just want you to be safe and careful, alright? See Madam Macmillan for the Potion if you need it – and boys, you can take it too now, thanks to Professor Wood. And if you have any questions … feel free to talk to me during my office hours."

Neville sagged to the floor after they left, exhausted.

* * *

 ** _Hufflepuff Basement_**

Professor Macmillan had the group around him, hot chocolate in hand, just as he remembered from his school days.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of, ever, when you are a Hufflepuff. Date who you love, male or female, no matter the House. There's room for in the Basement for anyone and everyone. And the rooms to the left - well, those rooms are if you want to be more intimate with your girl or guy and need a bit of space …"

Professor Sprout and Madam Hooch's portrait applauded, both smiling when he was done. "Good work, son. Kept the tradition alive, yet again."

* * *

 ** _Ravenclaw Tower_**

Professor Wood sighed at the barrage of questions coming from the new third years. The older ones knew better – they'd been through this before and were finally beginning to understand.

"Guys! I know you have a million questions about the why's, there fore's, and where to's. But knowledge in and of itself isn't going to prepare you for it, despite what you may think to the contrary. We'll go over the basics tonight, and each of you will get a question in, I promise. But you have to experience this yourself, first hand. Books can only teach you so much."

* * *

 ** _Slytherin Dungeon_**

Professor Potter stormed into the dungeon and stared down each of the little minions before her.

"Do you have any idea how embarrassed I was during the Welcoming Feast when you idiots catcalled that poor First Year Hufflepuff?" she yelled.

"But, Professor – " started Lionel Zabini.

"No buts! I've had enough of Slytherins being known for being a bunch of randy shamers. You never, ever do that to a young woman – or a young man for that matter. We are too good to be doing this to each other. It stops now, or else you'll have to deal with me."


	4. Epilogue: Redux

_5 September, 2015  
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry  
Later that same night, well after curfew …_

* * *

 ** _Gryffindor Tower_**

"I think you did a fine job this year, lover. I just wish it didn't wear you so much," Luna said as she walked to their bed. She was wearing a sapphire blue sleep set, just to tempt him out of his stupor. Neville knew it, but it never ceased to make him smile.

Or do the trick.

"Are the kids asleep?" he asked hopefully.

"All tucked in," she said, wriggling her eyebrows as she climbed on top.

"Have I told you I love you today?"

She shook her head, but still smiled. "Your Tittle did it for you."

* * *

 ** _Hufflepuff Basement_**

Ernie waited up for her, pouring over his revisions for the next edition _Quintessence: A Quest_. A Third Year had made the mistake of scaring one of the Thestrals, and Romilda stayed up with her until her third assistant woke for the night shift.

He put down his quill and smiled when he heard her come in. Even in the middle of the night, in her uniform and a veil covering her dark hair, Romilda was still the most breathtaking witch he had ever seen.

"Welcome back, sugar plum," Ernie said, lifting the Stasis charm from her hot chocolate and raspberry tart.

* * *

 ** _Ravenclaw Tower_**

Oliver was out on a recruiting trip, and with it being the start of a new season he wouldn't be home as much as either of them wanted. Cho stayed in her office later than normal, preparing her lectures for the first week of school. The empty bed waiting for her was just too depressing, and she could always take a little Pepper-up in the morning.

When she walked back to her room, her steps were slower, deliberate. But when she entered their bedroom, the surprise there made her break into a run.

Oliver was there, sleeping soundly, with a bouquet of irises in hand.

* * *

 ** _Slytherin Dungeon_**

"I'm going to murder the lot of them this year, Harry, I swear I will," Pansy announced, pacing the stone floor of their quarters.

"Nah. It'll make too much of a mess, and you're rubbish at Cleaning charms," Harry said, smirking as he flipped through a copy of _Quidditch Quarterly_.

She stuck her tongue out at him and lit a cigarette. "Care to play around tonight?"

The magazine was gone in a flash.

"Always," Harry said with an enthusiastic nod, already stripping off his clothes.

"Then how about you find Hermione's wedding present and wait for me in the bedroom."


End file.
